2DPIUI#1

 

I’m officially part of the infertility acronym club! 2DPIUI#1 – TWW.

Let me tell you, there is nothing in this world that will teach you more patience than going through infertility.  I swear 90% of this journey is waiting, it’s maddening. I was expecting to be at the RE for at least an hour on Monday…. we were literally there for 10 minutes.  I couldn’t believe it, so much for taking another half day off work.

All that waiting, all that money, sleepless nights for the past month, for a whole ten minutes and a response of “we hope so”, when I asked the RE if he thought this would work. The procedure was so simple and quick, no pain at all.  I am still itching at the trigger shot injection site though, I think that was worst than the actual IUI.  I draw up and administer injections almost on a daily basis for animals but when it came to sticking myself, I had to defer to my nurse friend.  She did a great job, so thankful for her.

I am trying to stay busy over these next two weeks.  We will know if this worked by the 20th. Till then I am going to try to not google every symptom that I feel, which as of now is just a lot of cramping and twinges in my abdomen area.  I don’t want to think too much into the symptoms because I’ve been pumped full of hormones the last month and there is no way to tell what is causing what anymore.

Everyone I know has asked me to update them daily, like there’s much of a change from day to day. I get their excited and coming from a good place, but unless you want to hear about my cramps, gas, or moodiness (which I’m sure they don’t) you really don’t want an update from me daily.

*Sigh*… 12 more days.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday to Me!

I never imagined that I would be spending my 28th birthday checking follicle sizes and preparing to receive trigger shots for an IUI.

Last week, I told my best friend who lives states away about what I was doing for my birthday over facetime. She cried like a baby and shouted “your gonna have twins, I just know it!”.  She also reminded me that it was a “sign” that it just so happened on my birthday. I merely forgot that 4 years ago to this day my husband also proposed to me on my birthday.  It was an amazing private engagement, just us in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment.  He gifted me a scrapbook he made (by himself!) with all pictures of us.  On the last page was a picture of an empty ring box with the words “will you love me forever?”.  This was an inside joke to us because when we were dating I got a little too drunk at the hotel after his brothers wedding and whispered that before I passed out cold. Romantic right?

If only we knew then what we would be going through now….. it wouldn’t make a difference.  I wouldn’t want anyone else here by my side for this crazy journey.  We have lots of family and friends praying for us, crossing their fingers and toes, and so on.  I want to be hopeful, but I don’t want to be devastated if it doesn’t happen.

Today we got an up close and personal look at my uterine lining which is a little too thin so doc wants to wait to trigger shot till Sunday AM. I have three eggs ready to drop and they are all expected to be released by Monday when our official IUI is scheduled for.

Today I also did an awful thing, I was feeling so hopeful after our appointment. Hubby took me to a birthday breakfast and shopping. What did I buy? A couple tops for myself and a cute little newborn outfit and a picture frame for an ultrasound. It fell in my path while we were walking out. I jinxed the whole thing, I just know it. I’ve never bought baby stuff for myself before, but today I just felt hopeful. I also felt like maybe just this one time, things were lining up perfectly for us. Maybe the world was sending us signs that it was finally our time.

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But just like the highs are so high, the lows are very low.  I came crashing down later this evening and all my nervousness came spilling out. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes… “Sometimes you’re flush and sometimes you’re bust, and when you’re up, it’s never as good as it seems, and when you’re down, you never think you’ll be up again, but life goes on.

So cheers to 28, more waiting, and hopefully seeing two pink lines in two weeks.

Anxious

Nothing new here, except for I cannot concentrate on anything other than my appointment on Friday(never mind that it is my birthday).  Everyday at work I start doing my tasks on the computer and eventually find myself on Dr.Google.  Every night I am up late thinking of every possibility that can happen from miscarriage to multiples.

My mother got a crib for her house, my sister told all her friends (which I cursed her out for)… my family is nuts.  They don’t understand this could or could not work. Oh, and there is nothing quite like explaining what an IUI is to your Father’s fiance while he is in the room. If I ever do any of this again, I am not telling anyone that is for sure.

I cannot wait for 9:15 on Friday when I get my ultrasound and learn when we can complete our IUI.  In a way I can’t wait for this to be over, but I know after the actual insemination its another waiting game.  The RE said he’d have me pregnant by April… he’s running out of time.

What do you do to keep your mind busy during all this waiting?

Finding strength in the struggle

For months now I have been battling between throwing in the towel on this infertility mess or giving it all I’ve got.  I can’t decide which way to go. I think after next week with my first IUI and either success or failure… I will gain some clarity. There’s only so many times you can be let down before you move on, I feel like.

The truth is, I am exhausted, but I can’t give up until I’ve tried all that I can.  That is just who I am.  IUI is looking like the last choice in our journey, at least for some time anyway.  We don’t have the money to do IVF or anything there after.  To be honest, I’m not quite sure that is something me or my hubby are ready for just yet anyway.

I’ve come to the realization that even if I cannot have kids, this does not make me any less of a woman.  What I bring to the table is still important even if I don’t have the title of mother. I’ve worked damn hard to get where I am, I should be proud of myself!

All my friends that post on social media about their babies and how it has changed their life for the better, I’m calling bullshit. Especially when I know the truth.  The struggle to find affordable day care, the fight to get the father to be a part of your child’s life, and whatever else parents try to brag but then complain about at the same time.

Now I am not trying to say that anyone’s child isn’t special, I can see how they would bring immense love to ones life. I want one myself so badly, there must be something great about them.  Their innocence, laughter, and just knowing their part of you, has to be a feeling in and of itself that nothing can compare to.

But, I am lucky to already have felt immense love and if I never get my baby I will know it just as well. I know it in a man that genuinely cares for me and will put my needs or wants before his, a partner in crime and a best friend.  In a gentle sigh of relief from an animal that has been suffering for too long.  In a gigantic doofy yellow lab that must be touching me at all times, and a little Pomeranian that greets me at the door… everyday happier than the one before.

I think part of me is coming to terms with the fact that if I never have kids I’ll be OK.  I’ll learn to live with it and find love in a million other ways, because I am strong.

 

Birthday shots!

keep-calm-trigger-shot-is-coming-soonMarch 3rd will be my 28th birthday and I will be doing shots.  Not alcoholic beverages like in previous years but trigger shots! Today my period came and I really wasn’t even sad like I usually am.  Period day usually comes with severe cramping and spending most of the day in bed crying and cursing, but today I was looking forward to starting our IUI process and kind of felt relieved to give something new a try.

I called the doctor as soon as aunt flow arrived and I start Clomid days 5-9 and then go for an appointment on my birthday to hopefully be inseminated… unless I haven’t ovulated, then I get my shot and get to come back the next day.  I am eager to give this a try and crossing all my fingers and toes hoping that it works!

Respite Fostering

Changing gears for a minute because I am still waiting on AF to show up and this always distracts me.

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Meet S, a new foster I recently picked up from the city shelter. Such a peach! I’ve been super busy with school and work and stressing over infertility, I’ve put fostering on the back burner.  Not sure why, it helps to distract me from it all!

This little girl was surrendered because she was itching and she didn’t smell good. She has severe dermatitis with pustules all over her entire body. Well I think she smells beautiful… especially after an oatmeal bath, which was the first thing we did when she got to my house.  I then petted her for the remainder of the night until bed time, its the only thing that would stop her from itching. I’ll tell you, there is nothing like watching a dog sleep its first night out of the shelter.  You can almost see the relief pour out of them. I always wish I could sleep that good but then again I’m thankful I don’t have to.

I agreed to temporarily foster S for someone else who is out of town, I figured it would be a good compromise to my busy schedule.  Well I “accidentally” met with another dog, and if someone else doesn’t step up before next Friday I am fostering her. Hubby didn’t give me any grief either, he said to bring her home.  I think he knows its what I need right now.

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This girl A(The hearts for doggy confidentiality since I don’t have her yet, lol) , was found as a stray and has severe skin issues as well.  Complete sweetheart though, loves people despite being in quarantine for the past two months after the shelter thought she had sarcoptic mange. I have a soft spot for the many different pitbull breeds, mostly because our city shelter is overpopulated with them (like most), but also because they are such a loyal, smart breed. Whats your favorite breed of dog?  Or cat? 🙂

Icing on the freaking cake

Today after my clinical shift I went and spent a crazy amount of money on my hair, chopped off seven inches and got a new color. Man, it felt good to be pampered for three hours straight! Especially after being covered in bordetella vaccines (its safe to say I will never get kennel cough) and Hill’s prescription urgent care acute diet cat food.  Hubby ordered food from our favorite take out place and I picked it up on the way home. We were talking over dinner and I was thinking about my cat patient and how in that moment as I was laying in a cage with this little guy that had been mauled by a dog, nursing him back to health, I knew I was on the right career path. Finally.

I started to scroll through good old Facebook after we conversed a bit.  And there it was the first pregnancy announcement of the evening… a couple we go on trips with a few times a year, was finally expecting. I threw my phone. And the crying began as I was eating my greek salad. He immediately consoled me and told me he was sorry, like it was his fault or something.  I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want him to be the one to listen to me be sad all the time. He’s the rock in this relationship, the calm to my storm.  He can talk me down from any of this infertility mess. Where would I be without him?

On another note, we used to be very close to another couple, they were in our wedding, we were in theirs.  Over the last few years we lost touch and most recently they unfriended us both on Facebook, for reasons unknown to us… Not that it really matters; but it hurt me more than hubs. I was talking to my hairdresser about them as she is a mutual friend and telling her about them unfriending us.  Not even 20 minutes later she texts me, “it appears they are prego”. And then I lost it again. Why? Why two in one night? Why is everyone else able to obtain this one thing we want? Why are we left out? That was the icing on the freaking cake for tonight.

I’ve lost a few friends over the past year through this infertility treatment.  I’m an introvert as it is, and when depressed as a result of my anxiety, I seclude myself even more.  People don’t understand infertility, they act as if its not a real thing.  Because clearly if someone who has cancer tells you about their disease, you can tell them that it will be cured in God’s time.  No, that’s not how disease processes work… unfortunately.

Over the past year and a half since their 18 month old baby has passed we have grown incredibly close to another couple and I’m thankful for them all the time.  We’ve been there for their struggles, and them for ours.  Always trying to keep each other positive through some of our darkest times. Endless nights in PICU with their son who passed away, and their new son who has the same rare genetic disorder.  Them offering to stick me with my progesterone needles when the time comes. As the saying goes “hard times will always reveal true friends”. We’ve definitely found our spirit couple.

Very slowly I’m learning to have my breakdown, but to move on and congratulate those that have what I can’t.  They don’t mean to hurt me, I know this. I want to know when it will become easier?  Does it ever? What do others do for those dreaded pregnancy announcements that you want to be happy for but just can’t?